Happy 2009!

So how did your new year celebrations go? Did anyone partied like it was 99 (hiks) and then woke up in a strange bedroom with a stranger bedmate? The kind that has a hairy back *and* boobs? The one with looks that one can only say – he/she has the looks that a mother can love? Did you drink yourself to such stupor that you found yourself on your (very expensive, newly bought) carpet? And that you are practically curdled with your own vomit? Only you’re not very sure if it’s even your own vomit because there are also strange bodies around you? And you just realised that you not only have some vomit *in* your mouth but also nose and other crevasses of your being?

No?

Well hooray and phew for you.

I am not one to celebrate New Years (I don’t see the point), I spent my new year’s eve massaging the lamb to marinade for next day’s lunch. I must say the roast lamb came up swell, thanks to Moonks’ recipe. This I believe is pretty much an upbeat event – most of the times, I would have been already in slumber; very often in front of the TV, supposedly waiting for the fireworks to happen teehee.

So now that we’ve arrived to the new year, we are likely to re-establish our resolutions which we know will likely to be achieved 30% at best. And that’s after repeating your resolutions for fifteen years. So what’s the bloody point?

But anyway, we’re not going to talk about new year celebration, we are here to provide you with some solutions to a pertinent and recurring problem that all of us felt one time or another – Office Boredom.

I mean, I’m sure all of us have felt it one way after another, particularly after a long stretch of annual leave up to almost two weeks. I do believe I am talking on behalf of a majority cubicle farm slaves here – but, working on a first week of the year after a long stretch of annual leave is a daunting and mostly uphill battle. Your body is physically at your cluttered, but snazzily decorated station but to quote Calvin, your mind is on a constant Screen Saver Mode. Your body might be doing the daily tasks but really, in your head, you are still lounging around on your comfortable, lumpy bed reading a Super Good Book; or if you’re like Snots who just came back from Surabaya-Bandung-Kiribati-Bhutan-Angola-whateverrrr trip – your mind would still be at the craters of the volcanoes; instead of focussing on the various data/accounts/reports/whateverrr at the office.

Hard huh?

So, always the concerned citizen, Leen Nation would like to bring your attention tooooo:

TEN STEPS TO CURE OFFICE BOREDOM!

1. Have very animated conversation with various inanimate objects at the office, the bigger the better. We propose: Office potted plant, printer, fax machine, pantry fridge. If you’re shy, start small, like feverishly whisper to the stapler. Or office clips.

Now, Facebook would be an obvious choice but we do understand that some offices do not allow for Facebooking activity – Bah! So we propose the following face-book related activities OFFLINE:

2. Throw a cow, poke or Super Poke a colleague, as much as possible (without getting murdered in the process). Please ensure the safety and sanity of said cow(s). Where cows are not available, please use plastic ones found in RM2 shops. If still not available, please use that tactless cow who loudly announced that you were gaining so much weight and need to go on a diet because at your age, your metabolism is very low. Hiks.

3. Dedicate a song by actually singing to that person. Loudly. Correct lyrics optional.

4. Share amongst your colleagues and buy a Scrabbles board. Actually have actual Scrabbles game offline, because that’s what people used to do way back in the 1830’s when Facebook was not created yet.

5. Draft “FINE: $5,560” on your Word doc then and print five copies and run down to the car park and randomly compound your colleagues’ cars. Double if he takes up two parking spaces. Triple if it’s a tiny car like Kenari or Kancil.

I am sure you can think of other titillatingly interesting facebook tasks yourself because I can’t hiks.

6. Go the lift and stand at the corner, facing the wall, sitting very, very still. Whenever someone talks, shush them loudly.

7. Go up to the Big Boss’ room, ignore the secretary and walk in Then sit yourself down and proceed with carrying small talk with him. Query him about his wife (wives), kids, health and hobby. If it’s a lady boss, do NOT comment about her body being bigger than her hair and that she needed to go on a diet because at her age, her metabolism is very low lest she starts to throw you to a person (see point 2).

8. Photocopy your two hands and butt and then write “To Wong Foo, thanks for the good times. Love, Julie Newmar”. Proceed to sign on it then distribute it to all your colleagues.

9. Whenever someone exits the toilet or enters the office front door, exclaim very loudly, “and hereeeee commmmeeesssss [INSERT NICKNAME OF COLLEAGUE]!!!!” then coerce everyone to loudly welcome him with whistles and applause. Foot stomping and screaming optional.

10. Go to each manager’s room, abruptly open the door and alternate between these:

Maniacally shout “GOOOOOD MORNINNNNGGG VIETNAAAMMMM” or;

Whisper in an agitated manner: “Is he here yet?” Upon hearing, “Who?” reply with an even more agitated “The Green Goblin...shyhhhhh” and walk away quickly.

In a clipped no-nonsense tone: “Do you know that the burung hantu’s brain is smaller than its brain? Well, now you do. Good bye.”

An even more maniacal “Last to the pantry is a big, fat, orange frog! BOOYAH!” and then proceed to sprint to the pantry.

I hope we have eased your pain somewhat. We’re glad to be of help. Have fun trying! I do not need to do all these because I can facebook from the office, nyeh nyeh.

Disclaimer: All tasks from no 1 to 10 above are to be done at readers’ own risk. Leen Nation is by no way accountable for any lay-offs, reprimanding from superiors, Disciplinary Inquiries, show-cause letters, whisking off to Mental Hospital in an ambulance, slap in the face and any other tragic events resultant from above activities. The readers of Leen Nation hereby indemnify Leen Nation from any law suits, angry letters, reprimanding, show-cause letters, whisking off to mental hospitals, slaps in the face and any other undesirable outcome.