This Little Problem

I have this little problem, you see.

My mother is worrying her pretty little head that if my parents die, I will be left alone in this bad, bad, bad world to fend for myself. I mean, of course, I am a horrificly lazy bum who doesn't do much housework and mom still cooks and does my laundry and all that but she's forgotten that before they came to stay with me, I did OK. I mean, I obviously did not turn bulimic due to my starving to death now, innit? And ish, I am nearing 40 dah kot?

I supposed I do see where she is coming from...it has been what? 5 years since my last relationship (the one after that didn't count because I didn't feel lurvvvvee for him) and so you know, they think it's prime time for me to find myself a man.

Sigh.

It's not that I don't want to. Not anymore.

OK tipulah.

It's like this. Things like love and jodoh and finding the right man etc...it's beyond my comprehension. Add that to the age factor (wrong side of 30s), weight factor (no market di Malaysia, tanah airku) and mulut-longkang factor, the...pickings, as it were, are rather slim, IMHO.

Am I worried? Of course. I do worry if I would last until age 50 or more and I am unable to change my light bulbs or tukar langsir because they won't be any able bodied man to help me because I am too old or too weak or too heavy or too sakit sendi to climb the heights to do it myself.

Or when I jatuh sakit, I probably just keel over and die, alone in front of the TV ke apa (happened to a collegemate of mine, colleagues broke into his house after 3 days. So sad, he was such a good person, too).

But I suppose, given the choices, insya-Allah, I'll have people (friends and family) to help me out.

I just can't be bothered because this jodoh thing is so beyond my reach - I mean, what am I to do? Menjaja diri di alam maya dan platform-platform social media? I can't do that. Akak malu taw uols.

Pakai baju kelakar and cangkung basuh pinggan? Can't do that either, lutut dah out.

So anyway, my mother...she has been, you know, peppering her conversations with suggestions to capture "Opportunities". Katanya.

Like, one time when I was telling her about my classmates..."Ha, kan dia single, napa tak nak tekel?"

Or, "Kan awak baik dengan dia? Kenapa tak nak tekel?"

Or this morning when I told her excitedly about the corner lot at the end of our new house is actually a homestay; so my aunties and cousins can come over and we won't have to worry about logistics because we can just rent out from the owner nanti.

And her reply was "Ha, dah ada tempat tu senang lah nak buat kenduri kahwin. Now your job is to go find a laki."

POTONG STIMMMMMM.

So I replied: "OK, nanti tengok lah aku keluar sekejap lagi nanti aku carik mana-mana Bangla boleh sauk jadik laki."

Seriously!

Tapi orang tua menjawab OK. Dia kata, "Aku lebih sanggup kau jadi Bini No. 2 dari kahwin Bangla."

Eh, memilih lak orang tua Kitat ni. Buat betul-betul kang.